Thank you

It’s 6am and I’m heading off on a job in a bit but wanted to say a quick thank you all so so so much for the lovely comments yesterday. It made me cry again but in a good way. I wish you could all know what it’s like to have a moan and then have dozens of people send you lovely messages. It’s pretty amazing and not what I was expecting and, to be honest, not what I deserve.

Thank you especially to the people who told me about their dark patches – especially around money. It really helped.

When I talk about money it makes me feel sick and like I want to cry and like I am the worst person in the world, which is why I bury it and then pretend it’s not happening. I don’t talk to people about it because I’m ashamed and embarrassed about what a failure I am in this are of my life and also I’m scared to face up to it and take action, so I keep pretending it’s not happening.

I also don’t want to seem like I’m moaning. I know I’m so lucky compared to 99.99 per cent of the world and that every problem I have is of my own making. I just need to grow up and fix it, I tell myself, but I don’t. Instead I ignore things for months and months, shoving down the low grade anxiety until it gets to the stage where I can’t sleep at night. Then I cry, panic, do something to get me out of the immediate hole but then before long I’m right back into the same situation.

I’m guessing, from people’s messages, that many of us do the same thing with different areas of our lives.

So where to go from here? Well, I need to face up to the reality of my finances before I delve into another book. I need to do some more paid work, talk to the accountant who I pay but am too scared to ever call, talk to the tax people and make a plan for myself. A friend has offered to show me how she budgets and how to use spreadsheets. The very idea makes me want to vomit, which obviously means I need to do it. (There should be a self-help book about the fact that the more something makes you want to puke the more you probably need it).

No inspirational quote is going to fix my two overdrafts or my credit card bill. Although I really wish it would.

And that’s the thing about this self-help lark. It’s very easy to get carried away with the affirmations and the ‘trust the universe stuff’ and lose touch with reality. I love losing touch with reality – it’s my forte. It’s why I write. But doing stuff… tackling the nitty gritty…  well that’s another thing.

It’s quite funny that while I’ve jumped out of planes, got naked in public, even broached some of my men fears, I haven’t really tackled one of my biggest realities – which is that I’m in debt and genuinely scared of money and handling money. Always have been.

I flirted with my financial reality in February in my money month – but four weeks wasn’t nearly enough and, of course,  I didn’t keep up the whole look at your bank balance every day business. I downloaded the app You Need a Budget and used it for about two and a half days before I got distracted creating vision boards with pictures of courgettes and yoga matts and writing fake cheques for £100,000 in The Secret month.

And actually, I’m not really dissing that. Having a vision, thinking big and believing in ‘The Universe’ is great, as long as you’re dealing with the real world at the same time. I’ve been picking out curtains for a house that’s not built yet. (Does that analogy work?).

So, I’m not sure what to say to you now except that I’m off to spend a few days in the real world. I’ll report back.

In the meantime, thank you again for everything.  Please keep telling me about your life – your comments are a big part of why I’ve kept going on this weird journey. It really helps me and a few readers have said they love reading other people’s comments – so it helps others too. Also, I’d like to be able to cheer you on as much as you cheer me on. I feel like I’ve made new friends though this blog and I’d love it if you felt the same way.

Bye for now.

Mx

 

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23 thoughts on “Thank you

  1. Your friend with the spreadsheets may well be the guardian angel you were looking for, sorry I’m trying to find a positive to angel therapy! I am so controlled with money and most things in my life it’s ridiculous. I love your blog and I think you will get yourself sorted out but it will take time and now you’re acknowledging what the true problem is shows how far you have come. Good luck!
    X

  2. Oh Marianne, I think you are so brave and honest, not to mention a really good writer with a clear voice. I identify with all you are saying and as you now realise, many others do too. You sound like my former self. Let me tell you that things have a way of working out and maybe some day you will look back and wonder why you wasted so much energy on all that anxiety! But for now, that anxiety is very real. Do take up your friend’s offer to help with budgeting and spreadsheets. Take it in small steps and eventually it will ‘click’ into place in your head. You can always farm things out to the Universe and ‘trust the Universe’ but try to trust yourself and give yourself some credit (not the financial variety!).

    I am familiar with some of the ‘self-help’ stuff out there, in particular Barefoot Doctor, Tony Robbins. You might not yet realise it but some of the wisdom from the methods you have been employing will filter through and have longer term benefits. Perhaps the speed with which you were approaching everything has caused you to become unstuck. Maybe you need to find something that you feel comfortable with. Transformation does not have to be painful.

    As if you needed more recommendations….but I do rate Barefoot Doctor. He is currently putting together a programme called The Psychology of Being. Here’s an introduction in which he talks about fear. http://www.barefootdoctorglobal.com/introduction-to-the-psychology-of-fear/ I have no connection to Barefoot Doctor. Just a huge fan and his teachings which really helped me through the type of things you are experiencing.

    I also recommend meditation. It’s free! It will help quiet your troubled mind. All that anxiety will make you ill and meditation is a really good way of dissipating that anxiety. Even just 10 minutes a day. More doctors are realising the benefits of meditation and recommending it to their patients.

    Take care of yourself and have a good day. x

    • Clare, hello! I’ll look into the Barefoot Doctor, thank you – and yes, I do meditate on and off but I always stop doing it when I need to do it most. Am going to do a mindfulness month at some point too. Thanks very much for the good advice. I love hearing about what works for people. mx

  3. I think the problem is ‘self’ help. I help people with clutter clearing because it is too hard to do all by yourself. Perhaps what you need with your money situation is a buddy you trust. Tap into another’s strength to bolster yourself.

  4. Hi Marianne, sounds like you need to do a ‘Get Rich Lucky Bitch’ month…it’s a brilliant book by Denise Duffield Thomas and covers everything you just said (above) and more. Many of us, especially women, have real mental blocks when it comes to money and getting more of it and this book really helped me to clear them. Forgiveness is a biggie too – of ourselves, of others, of our past, of our previous behaviour around money – and by the sounds of it you need to stop beating yourself up!!! Anyway, keep on blogging as I love reading your posts :)) Catherine @cldwrites

  5. I wonder if your phrasing is what’s holding you back… ” …ashamed and embarrassed about what a failure I am…” “…I’m in debt and genuinely scared…”…I just need to grow up and fix it…” Those thoughts and statements would scare anybody into hiding and ignoring the problem. You’re berating yourself over and over again for the situation that you’re in when you’ve already taken full responsibility for it. Your next step should be positive, not negative. Be proud of yourself for owning your own problems. Then take one small step upward instead of looking at the whole damned mountain still left to climb. If you just look at the next step instead of how much further you have to go, and celebrate the small victories along the way, you’ll begin to enjoy the journey instead of bemoan the fact that you’re still traveling a difficult road. These are challenges, not obstacles.

    Try these phrases instead: “…I’m making headway…” “My next step will be…” “…I’m proud of myself…” “….every little bit gets me closer…”

    It works, I swear – you just have to change the phrasing until it becomes natural. Then the “bad” moments become fewer and far between, and they don’t last as long before you are back on track.

    • Les, saw a friend last night and she said she’s going to start keeping a chart of every time I say ‘I’m not good at…’ I didn’t realise how much I said it. So as a change of approach I’m very proud of myself for how hard I’ve worked today (actual paid work, hurrah!) and for writing the kind of blog that gets great people like you reading it. Hurrah! Thanks very much, you speak sense.

  6. Hey Marianne I concur with Les… It’s all about baby steps. Looking at the whole picture is overwhelming and the fear paralyses you into non-action. I’m challenged in the financial arena too and am working on changing old habits – one at a time. Today I paid a parking ticket before it escalated to ‘overdue’ with extra costs whacked on. I’m pretty chuffed myself!! New habit on it’s way to being anchored 🙂

  7. Marianne, I am new to your blog and am loving it! Thanks for your most excellently articulated thoughts. 🙂
    I am a work in progress and some moments are more difficult than others. I am thankful for all the help I receive, from friends and loved ones to books and blogs and even random thoughts from strangers who don’t even know they are helping – ha.
    Here’s to letting go, saying f**k it, learning and loving! Cheers.

  8. Hi Marianne – I’ve just seen you appearance on ITV This Morning & I’m so happy to have discovered you & your blog. I recently compiled a list of the books that have helped me; though not typically ‘Self Help’ however, words have proven to be the greatest healer: https://sophieosborne1.wordpress.com/2014/06/17/words-pictures/ It has been published by Charity Sane/Black Dog Tribe. Have you thought about contacting them about your work? Best wishes to you on your journey. Sophie x

  9. I’ve just found your blog and wow, it’s like finding my twin self! Great posts and everything you say makes perfect sense. I’m a holistic therapist by day and use all the self help tools. I’m a writer by night and published my first motivational book in May, it was more ‘real life’ than ‘self help’ lol but received great feedback I’m happy to say. With regards to money, I read ‘How to be a Money Magnet’ by Marie Clare Carlyle and found it to be very helpful. I still have a long way to go on my journey but with books, blogs and support from friends and family I’ll get there. Thank you so much for sharing your ups and downs and warmest wishes to you x

  10. Miss Tardy yet again,

    I’m technologically challenged and couldn’t figure out how to reply to this. So I sent you a contact message.

    If you feel like sharing this part of your journey on the blog, I would be grateful. I suck at any issue involving money. I despise money itself and money issues in general. I believe it is the cause of all strife because we equate it with power. So we feel powerless because we don’t understand the money rules.

    I would appreciate learning anything you discover. I suggested the name for the self help book you will write and earn money with….. in my contact post.

    Dare I say, I need your help? Yes I could find a self help book….but I don’t “know” those people. And even though you are half a world away, I think you understand.

    I’m trying to follow the suggestions from the Be More With Less blog. And Courtney sent me your way a few months ago.
    Thank you,
    Doretta

    • Hi Doretta, the money stuff won’t go away and yes I’ll share whatever I do in that area. Good luck with your journey – when it comes to money it’s a combination of tackling the emotional (your feelings and views around money) and the practical stuff (budgeting). I’m not sure if you read my Money A Love Story month but one question that really stayed with me is ‘What’s your first money memory and how does it relate to where you are today?’ It explained a lot to me – but obvs understanding is just one step, need to make practical changes now too.

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