It’s 6am and I’m heading off on a job in a bit but wanted to say a quick thank you all so so so much for the lovely comments yesterday. It made me cry again but in a good way. I wish you could all know what it’s like to have a moan and then have dozens of people send you lovely messages. It’s pretty amazing and not what I was expecting and, to be honest, not what I deserve.
Thank you especially to the people who told me about their dark patches – especially around money. It really helped.
When I talk about money it makes me feel sick and like I want to cry and like I am the worst person in the world, which is why I bury it and then pretend it’s not happening. I don’t talk to people about it because I’m ashamed and embarrassed about what a failure I am in this are of my life and also I’m scared to face up to it and take action, so I keep pretending it’s not happening.
I also don’t want to seem like I’m moaning. I know I’m so lucky compared to 99.99 per cent of the world and that every problem I have is of my own making. I just need to grow up and fix it, I tell myself, but I don’t. Instead I ignore things for months and months, shoving down the low grade anxiety until it gets to the stage where I can’t sleep at night. Then I cry, panic, do something to get me out of the immediate hole but then before long I’m right back into the same situation.
I’m guessing, from people’s messages, that many of us do the same thing with different areas of our lives.
So where to go from here? Well, I need to face up to the reality of my finances before I delve into another book. I need to do some more paid work, talk to the accountant who I pay but am too scared to ever call, talk to the tax people and make a plan for myself. A friend has offered to show me how she budgets and how to use spreadsheets. The very idea makes me want to vomit, which obviously means I need to do it. (There should be a self-help book about the fact that the more something makes you want to puke the more you probably need it).
No inspirational quote is going to fix my two overdrafts or my credit card bill. Although I really wish it would.
And that’s the thing about this self-help lark. It’s very easy to get carried away with the affirmations and the ‘trust the universe stuff’ and lose touch with reality. I love losing touch with reality – it’s my forte. It’s why I write. But doing stuff… tackling the nitty gritty… well that’s another thing.
It’s quite funny that while I’ve jumped out of planes, got naked in public, even broached some of my men fears, I haven’t really tackled one of my biggest realities – which is that I’m in debt and genuinely scared of money and handling money. Always have been.
I flirted with my financial reality in February in my money month – but four weeks wasn’t nearly enough and, of course, I didn’t keep up the whole look at your bank balance every day business. I downloaded the app You Need a Budget and used it for about two and a half days before I got distracted creating vision boards with pictures of courgettes and yoga matts and writing fake cheques for £100,000 in The Secret month.
And actually, I’m not really dissing that. Having a vision, thinking big and believing in ‘The Universe’ is great, as long as you’re dealing with the real world at the same time. I’ve been picking out curtains for a house that’s not built yet. (Does that analogy work?).
So, I’m not sure what to say to you now except that I’m off to spend a few days in the real world. I’ll report back.
In the meantime, thank you again for everything. Please keep telling me about your life – your comments are a big part of why I’ve kept going on this weird journey. It really helps me and a few readers have said they love reading other people’s comments – so it helps others too. Also, I’d like to be able to cheer you on as much as you cheer me on. I feel like I’ve made new friends though this blog and I’d love it if you felt the same way.
Bye for now.